Where have I gone?

I felt like I was doing fantastic and things were going the way I wanted to, until the floor fell out from underneath me on January 10th. I was out having lunch with a friend when suddenly I just didn’t feel right, looking back it was likely blood sugar and exhaustion, but at the time I had no idea and I thought there was something seriously wrong with me. I was under a lot of stress, I don’t know how I was managing all that I was. I got up from the table and walked around, then went and stood outside for a bit. The feeling kind of passed but I continued getting these waves of feeling dizzy. I dropped my friend off at home and started driving back home, I was almost there when I felt like I was having a heart attack, my legs and arms went numb and I could barely move them, I was sure I was going to pass out, I was sure I was dying. I was at a red light and when it turned green I paused for a minute before continuing to drive, but then felt it was my best option to go the next block and go to my neighbour for help, luckily she was home and I scared her badly by asking her to call me an ambulance. While we waited I started to feel better and texted a friend asking them to come over right away, my kids were still strapped into the car in front of the house and my husband was away for work and would be for another week. The ambulance came, and there was nothing wrong with me, I was having a panic attack. This was the kickoff of 6 months of near constant anxiety, and very frequent panic attacks. I withdrew from my program, I lost and ruined friendships, it was awful. I felt like I was losing everything I was working for. But really I was lying to myself in a lot of ways, and I needed to be derailed. I wasn’t putting the time into my marriage that it needed, and I didn’t think I cared, I was missing out on time with my kids, and I thought that was OK with me, it wasn’t. The anxiety made me crazy, I was convinced I was going to die at any moment and was terrified to be alone, especially with my kids. What if something happened to me with only them there? This thought plagued me, owned me. There were times I couldn’t drive, times I couldn’t walk down the street without having a panic attack. Once it starts and you get that feeling and that fear it is Hard to come out of it, so even after things in my life started going the way I really wanted to and started making the changes I was still stuck in this terrible mindset. Something awful was going to happen to me. I haven’t written about any of this yet even though while I was going through it I really wished I could, but writing about it made it worse for some reason, like acknowledging it made it stronger. 

So here I am 6 months later, we now live in a different city, and I am back to being a stay at home mom. I stopped working out for months and am now getting back at it, luckily I’ve continued to lose weight so I don’t have that to restart. Eventually when both my kids are in school I’d like to go back myself and try again, I do really believe that fitness makes a huge difference in people’s lives and I want to be part of that. With this experience I think I can do it even better, anxiety, depression and panic attacks are so common, and to be able to say that I have been there, that I struggle with it too means a lot to someone also struggling. 

There is all those saying about God closing doors and opening windows ect, and I do think this experience was to put me back where I needed to be. As with every experience in life that comes my way I will grow from it. 


About Felicia

Dreamer, Mother, wife, Fitness Enthusiast.
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