I’m having one of those days, months, maybe is more accurate where I am starting to feel so restless, so bored. I have all this free time and instead of using it to do anything really productive I waste it. I have to be here, I want to be here at home with my kids, and being at home can be a lot of work some days, but others I have these huge chunks of time that I could be really building something for myself in. I feel like I have all these tabs open on my brain of paths I could take to build a career for myself. I have a general idea of where I want to end up but the here to there is so blurry. I’m nagged by this feeling that someday I will be even more busy and I will look back on all this time and wish I could have saved it all in a bottle for the days that I just don’t have enough hours.
That’s the thing about motherhood, about being at home, these stretches of time that are so boring. If you let it, it can overwhelm you and drive you mad. In the silence of waiting all the things that need to be done become so big, you think them into these huge creatures and feats impossible to tame. With my anxiety I’ve found that everything is so much less daunting once you are doing it. I think that’s why I love being in motion so much, I feel like I can conquer anything, without the time to grow it into something looming and terrifying and untamable, you just conquer it. I feel like I should make more lists of the things I want to do and when I find myself in one of the spaces of time just pick one and do it. I have got to the point where I have no trouble keeping up on my domestic life, the chores the diners the kids the laundry, I do pretty well with balance. I work out, I spend time with friends and my husband and just myself. It’s almost as if being efficient has backfired on me and now I feel just as unsatisfied as when I was scrambling to get everything done. I’m thinking that no matter what you are doing the stay at home person always feels this anxious feeling of not doing enough. Is it a trap or am I really not doing enough?
Spring, spring makes me restless. So much newness, so much life, it excites me.